Redefining Fabulous

Now that I'm home from Hollins, and have (hopefully!) answered everyone's questions about the experience, it's time to get back to tried and true Fabulous Shoe Night business. And there has been a lot going on behind the scenes. While it's been frenetically busy setting up new chapters near and far, making final touches on the new web site, training new chapter leaders, etc., the same issue seems to be popping up yet again.

Yep … the issue of "fabulousness."

I thought we had already covered this, but I suppose it bears repeating. Don't get me wrong … I fully admit to drooling over all those glossy magazines featuring high-end, ridiculously priced sky-scraper heels just loaded with ankle-breaking potential, but the term "fabulous" (at least for our purposes) includes shoes in every heel height … and price range. I could just cry in frustration every time someone asks me about the Fabulous Shoe Night concept, only to then sheepishly inform me that, "Oh, I can't go … my shoes aren't fabulous enough."

Just the thought that some assume only high-end shoes are somehow part of the membership "criteria" conjures up visions of mean girls.  You know the type … haughty, condescending and oh-so-label-conscious. Nope! Not us! In fact, I'm proud to say that this image couldn't be further from the truth of who we really are.

So I often find myself repeatedly clarifying what "fabulous" really means in Fabulous Shoe Night. While this is a membership organization, it is not exclusive in the sense that anyone, or any type of shoe, is excluded. We are proudly, unabashedly, determinedly inclusive. Anyone, with any type of shoe, is welcome at Fabulous Shoe Night. 

(Well … hold on a second. My "I'm-not-really-a-lawyer, I'm-just-married-to-one" side is clamoring to speak up for a minute. My use of the word  "anyone" means any woman. Much to our amusement, we have been receiving RSVP's to Fabulous Shoe Night events at our existing chapters from men. Are there fabulous men out there wearing fabulous shoes? Without a doubt. But this is a women's social group … sorry, guys. And … just being honest here, we can't help but wonder if some of you may even have had --gasp! --an ulterior motive!)

Fabulous Shoe Night is not about shoes, fabulous or not. While we certainly provide an occasion to wear  your fabulous shoes, what we're really about is friendship, meeting new people, networking, and an evening out that does a little good in the world. 

The word "fabulous" is so subjective, anyway. I can't tell you how many times I've pried my "fabulous" shoes off my sore and tender feet after a night out, put on my cozy slippers, and sighed with delicious relief. Now that feels fabulous! But what about looking fabulous? Do high-end shoes have the market on fabulousness? Not even close. While at an event once, a woman looked down at my shoes and stated, with near reverence, "Those are the Diors I've been lusting after!" I wanted to laugh out loud! What she confidently mistook as Christian Diors were actually … oh, the horror! … Steve Maddens. And while they are fabulous, they also cost about $1000 less! Now that felt fabulous.

Yes … believe it or not, Steve Maddens can be fabulous. And if you're of the mindset that only high-end designer labels translate to fabulous, then perhaps we're not the group for you. 

Sometimes I feel I need to write a disclaimer, similar in tone to the inscription on the Statue of Liberty, "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free …" It would be smacked, dead-center, on the homepage of our website and rephrased as such … "Come to us in your Steve Maddens, Nine West, flip flops and Uggs …" Humor has always been the great equalizer, but here, the message is the same.

We at Fabulous Shoe Night are a lot of things, because we're made up of a lot of different types of women. But the one thing we're not is judgmental.

That's just not fabulous. 

Olympic Training

            My last blog post was so intensely personal, and received such a hugely positive and emotional response from my readers that I realized I would be remiss if I didn't address the question everyone has been asking me; 

            How was your trip to Hollins?

            Hmmm … where to begin?

            I loved my time at Hollins, for so many different reasons.  Looking back, I'm amazed that I was initially so conflicted about attending myself, but I was. My stutter, mild as it was, was such a deeply ingrained part of me, of my very sense of self, that I think I wondered just who I would be without it?  Not to worry, that pesky stutter is never that far off … but I digress.

            I learned a lot about the treatment of stuttering at Hollins, but also much about stuttering itself. (And here I thought I was an expert all these years!) Physiologic in nature, people who stutter are born with vocal cords that just don't function properly. Vocal cords are supposed to vibrate and touch each other gently upon vocalization, but the stutterer's vocal cords essentially bang together, even during long periods of fluency, like I had. Much like a Type 1 diabetic is born with a faulty pancreas, one that doesn't function properly, the person who stutters is born with an improperly working vocal apparatus. Speech is actually a terribly complex function, dependent on the cooperation and proper execution of many different muscle groups … simultaneously.  No easy task if you were born with that particular genetic switch turned off. And there is a genetic component involved … although, to add to it's maddening mystery, not in all cases.

            Located in Roanoke, VA, Hollins Communications Research Institute sits upon an elevated area in a city that is surrounded, on all sides, by mountains. Our daily view was spectacular. Sounds like hallowed ground?  I certainly think so, but Hollins is actually world-renown. The military sends people there regularly, and several of Hollywood's elite are among it's alumni. (Unfortunately, no amount of begging  would get the staff to divulge names.)

            We were a group of nine, coming from all around the country, made up of predominantly college students, with a 3:6 female to male ratio The only children in the group were my son, and a 12 year old little beauty from the South. Our stutters varied in severity.  

            That first morning, as we sat in the lounge waiting for the program to begin, sizing each other up, no one spoke. Days later, when we all became more comfortable with one another, and actually started talking to each other, a few of the college guys divulged that they had my age pegged at 33, and initially had no idea my son and I were related. Needless to say, I have a deep and abiding love in my heart for them, notwithstanding that college boys are notoriously unobservant.

            

            Our 12 days at Hollins were busy and very structured, beginning at 8:00 AM sharp, and ending at 5:00 PM, seven days a week, except Sundays, which went from 9:00 AM to 4:00 PM. By Sunday, Day 7,  those extra 2 hours off felt like unbelievably decadent luxury. We were all exhausted, yet mindful that we were only half-way through.

            The Hollins Fluency Program is based on muscle memory … replacing incorrect muscle movements with correct muscle movements. Repetition is key. Hours of it. Normally, anything this repetitive would drive me insane, but I was surprised at how difficult this was! We spent hour upon hour in our "cubicles," which were actually little rooms, about 6x6 feet, with full doors,  a counter-top extending the width of the back wall, a computer and a chair. Here, we would vocalize different combinations of sounds over and over into a specially made microphone sensitive enough to detect banging vocal folds. So sensitive that a sneeze from the next cubicle could throw a perfect score off. (My neighbor had allergies. Yippee.) We worked in 20 minute increments, with a 10 minute mandatory break, retraining our muscles, learning to feel and distinguish what is a correct muscle movement as opposed to the incorrect muscle movements we'd been doing our entire lives.  I was essentially learning to un-do 46 years of speaking a certain way. That this was physically and mentally challenging is a gross understatement. It was exhausting, yet also exhilarating. Conquering a demon you've been taunted by your entire life always is, I suppose.

             Our group became very close. We really were so lucky to have such a fantastic group of people, all working together, yet individually, toward the same goal. And while I was easily old enough to have been everyone's mother, they never made me feel that I was anything other than one of them. On Day 6, we even all got the giggles together, erupting in laughter, which we all tried unsuccessfully to contain, at one silly, over-used line in our workbooks. I was inwardly horrified at myself that I giggled right along with them … surely I was old enough to know better! But I felt simply powerless to stop it … we all did. The staff took it in stride, up to a point, understanding the pressure we were  under.

            At the end of the 12 day program, every one of us was fluent.  Although I wish I could wrap this post up with a fairy tale ending about living happily ever after in our new-found, hard-won fluency, this is real life we're talking about. Yes, we were all fluent, but our recently acquired skills are fragile, and very, very tenuous. It takes but a second of speaking using our "old speech habits," or our old muscle memory, for the stutter to come right back … and unfortunately it's as easy as slipping on a comfortable, old pair of shoes.  The staff warned us of this, using the analogy that it would always be lurking right behind us, waiting to bite us in the ass, if we aren't aware 100% of the time. That made me think of Mad-Eye Moody, for all you Harry Potter fans out there, whose tag line became, "Constant vigilance!!" We, too, need to be constantly vigilant … of every breath we take, and every syllable we utter, for as long as it takes for the new muscle memory to kick in … permanently. We also need to practice, twice daily in these first months out of the program, and then once daily … probably forever. The stark reality is that for those who don't practice, there is a 100% fail rate.

            Sound like a lot of work to maintain something so effortless for all you lucky, genetically-blessed fluent people out there? It is … it really, really is. But I prefer to look at it another way.

            If you think about it, we have been given a tremendous gift. We have the opportunity to achieve something truly great … to defeat something so challenging, so insidiously difficult to truly conquer. The staff at Hollins, who I think we all came to love, reminded us on a daily basis that the muscle memory we hope to attain is no different than that of an Olympic athlete.  So, when you're watching the Olympic trials and Games this summer … think of all the hours, actually years, of practice, sweat, toil and dedication the athletes went through to achieve their dream. Then, think of us, for we're at the very beginning of our journey … putting in the same dedication, blood, sweat and tears to achieve our dreams … of speaking as effortlessly as you.

            So, if you happen to speak with me, and you hear me stumble slightly, then go back and "re-correct" the incorrect muscle movement, please keep in mind that I'm just a novice. It doesn't mean the program didn't work, just that I'm working out the initial kinks. We all are. But, bonded as we now are, we will help one another across the finish line, cheering each other on, there to support one another and practice over the phone together, and hopefully one day pass the torch along to future classes at Hollins, with the skill and muscle memory of an Olympic athlete.

           

            I learned patience, perseverance and dedication.  Now I really know myself, and I know my voice. It's a voice of pain and victory.   ~~ Anthony Hamilton

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I Am the King

            In my last blog post I confided in you, Dear Reader, that I have a mild stutter, and that I would write more about it in a future blog entry. Well … no time like the present.

            Why is this coming up now, and what does it have to do with Fabulous Shoe Night? It all has to do with the timing and wisdom of the Universe that I've referred to many, many times before, right here in this blog. And, as always, the Universe never, ever ceases to amaze me.

            A little background. Apparently, stuttering can be hereditary, for both my parents had an uncle who stuttered, and I, in turn, passed it along to the middle of my three sons. I always joke (with an accompanying ache in my heart) that my son is a carbon copy of my husband in both looks and temperament, and that the only two things he inherited from me were his stutter, and a single, tiny stripe of brown in one of his beautiful blue eyes.  

            I like to think that, throughout the years, I've dealt with my stutter. It was a lot more pronounced when I was younger, and I feel that age and confidence have helped me conquer perhaps 90% of it. Now, having a child that stutters is almost like reliving some of my worst moments as a stutterer growing up. What "fluent people" may not be aware of is that a stutterer has an intimate, entwined, and yes … strangling relationship with the demons I'll call "Mortification" and "Humiliation." They make appearances on a daily basis. Multiple appearances. More times that anyone would ever care to count.

            My son's stutter is not mild, and it became clear that it was time to deal with it. Traditional speech therapy, both in school and with private therapists, had no effect. Stuttering is a nasty, insidious S.O.B., not only immensely difficult to treat, but able to cripple both a child's self-confidence and self-worth. Well … not in my house. My son is just too damn awesome.

            Through chance and serendipity (there's that word again!), we learned of an intensive 12 day program at Hollins Communications Research Institute in Roanoke, Virginia, with a 93% success rate. Because our son is 13, and there are no dormitories on campus, he'd have to stay at a nearby hotel and be accompanied by a parent or guardian. Due to my husband's job, there was never any question that I would be the one to take him. 

            It was in January, while we were on a conference call with the program's director going over our son's medical history, speech history, etc., that she suggested I, too, participate in the program. I'd be there anyway, she said … why not take advantage of the time I was there and do the program with my son?

            Wait … WHAT???

             Out of politeness, I resisted the urge to scoff. I mean … I was fine. I've dealt with it. I don't let my stutter hold me back, not anymore. The whole idea was, well … preposterous to me. Again, out of politeness, I pretended that I would consider it.

            Humph. 

            

            But … I couldn't get away from it. I could feel the hand of the Universe in the perfect timing of this "random" opportunity. There really are no coincidences. Fabulous Shoe Night continues to grow and expand. We're opening chapters near and far, and I've already been asked to do a bit of public speaking. But those occasions were with smaller groups, of about 100 or so people, and I felt I adequately dealt with the nervousness that I might, verbally, fall apart in front of the audience. Thankfully, I didn't, although in the back of my mind, there was always the looming fear of how I would react to larger audiences.

            Yet, I felt I had come up with a creative way to address it. The acclaim and popularity of the movie, "The King's Speech" provided a natural segway . To face the monster head-on and take on it's real, or imagined, power, I thought that at my next public speaking event, if I felt the need to, I could simply start by asking if anyone in the audience saw the movie. Then, deadpan, announce, "I am the King."

            In referencing the movie, I thought it would be a succinct, yet somewhat humorous, one-line way to address it. Addressing it head-on would not only be a way to take control and tackle that initial nervousness, literally, by the monster's horns, but to open my heart and the very essence of who I am, vulnerabilities and all, to the audience ... with a gentle humor.

            Ah, but the Universe obviously had other plans. Now, seemingly out of the blue, I was presented with an opportunity to close what was likely the most defining chapter of my life, perhaps in preparation of a new, bolder chapter. The question was … was I up for the challenge this tremendous change would present, especially when it was so intimately tied with my sense of self? There is no doubt that my stutter "shaped" who I am, and I feel, because of it, I was a better nurse, and now, I hope, a more caring and empathetic mother, and a better person overall. 

            True to form, with it's characteristic eloquence and impeccable timing, the Universe is presenting me with this next task. I see it as an opportunity, certainly, but also as another important milestone on my Fabulous Shoe Night journey. There will likely be more public speaking in my future, so I might as well be prepared. Yet I also see my participation in the program as a way to show the Universe just how committed and serious I am about Fabulous Shoe Night. It's my way of saying, "See … ? This is immeasurably important to me. I'm ready. Bring it."

             

             So, for two weeks this month, my son and I will be away, in Roanoke, dealing with  … the demon. I am far more excited for my son than myself. He is the funniest, sweetest, most open-hearted child. I can't wait to see him blossom. 

            As for me, I knew I'd be fine, either way, whether I participated in the program or not, since my stutter is mild. But I look forward to dealing with the demon, taking control of it, and basically, showing just who is boss. Once and for all. 

            I know that while I'm gone, I'll have new, different adventures that will perhaps relate to Fabulous Shoe Night in some way. And you know I'll share them with you, Reader. As I think you can tell, this is by far my most intensely personal blog post to date, but … I knew I could trust you to understand. We're simpatico like that.

            Going forward, however,  I may need some new humor to "warm up the audience," since the "I am the King" line will hopefully be obsolete the next time I need to address a crowd. But, at least in my own mind, in my house full of all boys, and certainly in my shoe closet … I'll always be the Queen.

             All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.  ~~ Anatole France

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Q&A: Fabulous Shoe Night Founder Jennifer McDevitt - Main Line Today - June 2012 - Philadelphia, PA

Q&A: Fabulous Shoe Night Founder Jennifer McDevitt - Main Line Today - June 2012 - Philadelphia, PA

Beautiful Blur

            I've heard it said that the #1 fear in life, preceding even illness and death, is public speaking. Having a mild stutter (more about that in a future blog post), I can certainly relate. So I was downright terrified when I was invited to speak at a financial seminar for low to moderate income women as a blogger at Community College of Philadelphia.  

            While it was immensely flattering that my blog received this kind of recognition, not even a full year into it's existence,  I still had that pesky public speaking aspect to deal with.

            Sigh. Let me tell you … it was quite the conundrum.     

           

            Being a practical girl, I decided that I had one of two ways to deal with the situation. I could let fear and panic overtake me and (quite literally) fall apart in front of the audience, or I could feel proud and confident about what I've created, put on my big girl panties, and just talk to them about my passion. I'm happy to say I chose Option B.  

But there was another hurdle to overcome, far removed from any concerns I had that I might stutter. 

           There are a lot of misconceptions about Fabulous Shoe Night, and I run into them frequently. The most common is that we sell shoes. The  second, and I think most misleading, is that the word "fabulous" implies high-end, ridiculously expensive designer shoes. Just to clear up any confusion once and for all, neither of these are true.

My main fear was that the audience would be unable to relate to me ... that I would come off as some bored suburban housewife with a "folly," and that they wouldn't be able to identify with me because of that critical first impression. You know … the one we all make. 

           Again, I felt I had one of two options. I could give into my own nervousness that they wouldn't "like" me, or, I could speak from my heart about just what it is that I feel so passionately about, the near paralyzing fear that keeps me up at night, and what I have attached literally my every hope and dream to. I could talk to them about my "baby." And oh … I do love my baby.

           Remarkably, once I began speaking, my nervousness melted away.  Much like writing my blog, I just opened up my heart and let what was inside come pouring out. 

           I shared stories about my journey thus far … the doubts and fears I sometimes still have, the letters of gratitude that have made me cry (and motivate me to continue on when those doubts creep in), the wonderful friendships I've made, the magic, serendipity and guidance I've felt along the way, and the crucial lessons I learned from the "mean girls." (http://fabulousshoenight.blogspot.com/2011/11/something-so-simple.html)

           A few minutes into my presentation, I noticed subtle, but perceptible, changes in their body language. Arms began to uncross. I noticed heads nodding in agreement here and there, then smiles and laughs. It was when I got to the pivotal part about my transformational encounter with the mean girls, and the very valuable lessons I learned that led me to write the following in our Club Rules: "In Fabulous Shoe Night, there is no ego, no drama, no competition, and no mean girls,"  I got … cheers. 

           I felt like Sally Field at her famous Oscar acceptance speech …"You like me! You really like me!" Yes, they liked me. And, more important, they liked Fabulous Shoe Night and everything it stands for, because they saw it has nothing to do with what almost everyone assumes it does. We are not a bunch of bored suburban housewives, wearing those ridiculously priced shoes. We're … you.

           While I was literally basking in their applause and acceptance, it hit me. I was clearly in the minority that day, both in terms of skin color and economics.  It occurred to me that the uniqueness of this situation was a true litmus test of the Fabulous Shoe Night concept.

           To put it in it's simplest form, a mere glance around the room would have shown our "differences" to be glaringly obvious, but the FSN concept transcended any such separation between us. That's the beauty of helping others … these lines, so clearly defined by history and society, blur … and then magically disappear altogether.

           There are no delineations in FSN … no age limits, social status,  tax bracket … not even heel height. We're just a group of women, like you,  banding together to do some good in the world.

           While looking fabulous.





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Universal

            

            More than once on this Fabulous Shoe Night "journey," as I call it, I've been made acutely aware of the presence of … the Universe. While I don't plan to get all "New Age-y" on you, frankly I don't know what else to call it. And, to be brutally honest, I find myself down-right puzzled by it.

          

            To be sure, the creation and execution of Fabulous Shoe Night has stretched my comfort zones further, and more quickly and efficiently, than I'd have ever thought possible. Where 13 months ago I was "just a mom,"  I am now doing things I'd never imagined, from magazine photo shoots to speaking at a financial seminar for women as a community blogger. It's exhilarating and fun, but also scary. Yet through it all, I have always been aware of what I feel to be … guidance. Confused as I am by that, there's just no other word for it.

 This is where my confusion comes in; I am not a conventionally "religious" person … certainly not with all the horror revealed on a daily basis in the news about the Catholic church. But Fabulous Shoe Night has made me aware of a spiritual side I never knew existed within me, far removed from any teachings of any organized religion.

 All the times I've written about things like serendipity, magic and coincidence, I've also been conscious of something larger and more pervasive. In a recent blog post, I wrote that I feel I'm not as much going down a path as I'm being led down one. And this is doing strange things to me. Instead of trying to control outcomes and circumstances, I'm more likely now to "go with the flow," sometimes even going as far as to say before large events or new and intimidating experiences, "Okay, Universe, do what you want with this one. I'm putting my trust in you."  By doing this, I've learned that the Universe has far better ideas and outcomes than anything I may have conjured up in my wildest imagination. I have been consistently delighted with the results … and that's incredibly cool.

For instance, virtually all of our growth has been what I'll call "organic," and this was by design on my part. I have never tried to force anything, instead trusting in the timing and wisdom of the Universe. Again, I've never been let down, but instead thrilled and in awe of what eventually transpired.

 Now, as we are on the cusp of tremendous growth,  it's both exhilarating and terrifying. I feel a tremendous amount of responsibility because Fabulous Shoe Night has the potential to help so many people, so I need to execute our plans in a very careful, painstaking manner to avoid implosion. If you think about it, should things go as we hope, it's feasible to have FSN chapters in every state of the U.S. ... perhaps even every county or even town. That's a lot of local charities receiving money, a lot of people getting help. And who's to say it begins and ends in the U.S.? Think about that for a moment. Chilling, right? Believe me … I know.

 So while people tell me all the time that I've hit on some "universal

 concept" of women and shoes, I've decided not to get intimidated pondering these infinite possibilities and ramifications. In my latest conversation with the Universe, I decided to keep it simple. 

Let's not focus so intensely on the word "universal." 

Instead … I'll settle for "global."

         “The universe doesn’t give you what you ask for with your thoughts - it         

           gives you what you demand with your actions."   ~~ Steve Maraboli

         

#WINNING!!!

At the ripe old age of … well, never mind, I'm learning a new language, and it's a bit intimidating. Anyone over the age of 12 would scoff, but I am learning the language of "tweeting" on Twitter.  It's a remarkably powerful tool, and like anything wielding great power, I hope I convey the appropriate amount of reverence and respect. Which is probably why I rarely use it, not wanting to "tweet" haphazardly and appear to be … well, a twit.

About a year ago, a certain Hollywood "bad-boy" engaged in a Twitter war feuding with the producer, and later network, of a wildly popular sitcom. He bragged about his goddesses, tiger blood, and all sorts of oddball goings-on. In one of his most publicized Tweets, he declared himself the winner of his ongoing battle with the single word "winning," preceded by the hashtag symbol (#), which, I've learned, is used for emphasis. 

In the least competitive way possible, I feel that Fabulous Shoe Night is #winning!! as well, so I've borrowed this now famous Tweet to emphasize my point. I can only hope Tiger Blood Man doesn't mind.

One of the best things about Fabulous Shoe Night is that everyone wins. Think about that for a minute: Everyone wins, all the time. How often does that happen?

Our Fabulous Shoe Night members certainly #win because, well ... for so many reasons. Our group provides a fun girl's night out, every month, a reason to wear your most fabulous shoes, and an opportunity to meet other fabulous women … all while helping a local charity. For most of us, it's a welcome departure from the never-ending gerbil wheel of children, car-pooling, sports, dinner, homework, dishes, laundry, making lunches … need I go on?  There are friendships being made, networking going on, and just a good time had by everyone. That's what joining together for a good cause does. There is an absolute feel-good aspect to Fabulous Shoe Night, which is why our numbers are ever increasing.

The restaurant where we hold our monthly Girl's Nights Out absolutely #wins.  To put it briefly, what restaurant wouldn't want a group of lively, dynamic fabulous shoe-wearing women in every single month? (Shhh, don't say anything, but ... just wait until the men catch on! )

The chapter's charity of choice #wins. And since every chapter's monthly GNO must benefit a charity in their hometown, we're certainly spreading the love on a local level. We won't exclude larger, more established charities, but I feel strongly that there is need everywhere … even, and especially, in our own backyards. So, for us, the giving begins at home.

Our sponsors #win. Not only is sponsoring as easy as paying for part or all of the food at a Fabulous Shoe Night GNO, but when our sponsors offer a perk to our members, such as a discount on a product or service, they see an increase in business. And by getting sponsors, we're able to give that much more money to the charity we're helping out. #WINNING!

But this, my friends, is where the magic and serendipity of Fabulous Shoe Night show their lovely influence yet again ...

I was thinking that a cute way to end this post would be to make a witty comment that having such #winning odds, we should take our stilettos to Las Vegas, when (NO LIE!!) … 

I get an inquiry on the Fabulous Shoe Night Facebook page about starting a FSN chapter in … you guessed it … VEGAS!

 Hmmm … I'm starting to think Lady Luck wears fabulous shoes.

"Well, look who I ran into," crowed Coincidence.

"Please," flirted Fate, "This was meant to be."  ~ as seen on Pinterest

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